Hello everyone! My name is Neil and I am a Willomaniac. Before we embark upon our adventure I feel I should give you a little background on our friend Will. Will was formed in the womb as a result of a merging of the Holy Spirit and human flesh. This description might lead one to think that Will is some kind of messianic figure, but i assure you he is not. Not in the slightest. In fact pretty much as soon as he was born he began wreaking havoc. He killed all three of his parents (his mother, his father, and God) within minutes of the severing of his umbilical cord and began looking or a place to hide out. After laying low for about three years, Will re-emerged into the public eye at which point it became apparent that he had not been sleeping through his absence, but developing the largest cabbage-patch kids cartel in the US. His prediction of the great Cabbage-patch kid drought of pre-Christmas 1984 made him millions on the black market from over-indulgent 80s mothers and fathers who literally sold their fortunes for their children's happiness. This would be touching if it were not, at the same time, so degrading. His fortune clinched for what seemed like the rest of his life, the young Will, at this point only just reaching his fourth birthday began to live the high life, appearing on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous with Robin Leach on two separate occasions. It would seem that the young William had it made, but we only now know what dark shadows lay on the road ahead.

When we left William he seemed on the top of his game, and in many ways it would appear, he was. He had money, cars, his own private helicopter and a sandbox half the size of Central Park. But he was missing something, love. Having killed his parents at so young and rash an age, the four year old William, began a journey, a journey that wold take him almost a year and to four continents and almost thirty thousand miles. William began his search for a new family in the spring of 1985. Nine months later he was at the end of his patience ready to give up hope. Dejected he suspended all his ads and recalled his search team, giving them a much needed rest and time with their own families. The search suspended indefinitely, Will did the only thing he could think to do, he began a chain of fast food burrito restaurants he named Bells of Tacos. But this venture, too, did not give him the sense of belonging he had dreamed of and resigned himself to a life of solitude. Then one day and two months later a letter arrived in the mail. It began "I'm not sure if you're still looking, and I haven't seen any of the advertisements in our local paper lately but I thought I'd give this a shot..." It was from one Jeffery and Sharon responding to the ad Will had placed three months prior in the Cincinnati Enquirer. The plea from the loving couple was so heartfelt, that Will immediately flew out to see them. They hit it off and Will sold all of his business ventures and put his money in a secret trust, to insure that this was the "real thing" and not some hoax in order to fleece the young millionaire.

Will's years with his new family became some of the happiest years of his life. One of the good friends he met was a cat, Sparkles. Little is known about Sparkles' past but it is believed that at the time Will met him, he was at least four thousand years old. Sparkles could do things no ordinary cat could ever even dream of. The rest of the neighborhood feline population followed Sparkles around as one would a god or king. Sparkles was not given to such petty luxuries though, nor to any of the worldly illusions towards which these things point. No, Sparkles had in the year 200 BC taken a Bodhisattva vow, which, unknown to anyone else, was about to be fulfilled with the release of his current life.

Sparkles was everything a little boy could ask for. He was kind, exuberant, and unflackable. This final piece of the puzzle assured Will that he had made the right choice. As he settled into his new home and his new life, he completely forgot about his past. Often when asked about his early years he answers as if you has been in his current life since birth.

The days seemed to fly past and soon Will was off to grade school and onto high school. He made many friends along the way. One of those friends was a boy named Douglas. Doug for short. Doug talks about the experience in his own words.

"I Thought there was something special about Will from the very beginning. He was always up and down and up and down. He always said the craziest shit. Like this one time in sixth grade he came up to and said, 'Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?' I mean I know thats from Batman but still that's some crazy shit for a sixth grader. but anyway I thought you know he was just unique, but it turns out he was on heroin."

Yes, just as Will's happiest days were dawning, a dark shadow was being cast upon his world.

The full details of Will's addiction have only recently come into focus. It seems just as Will was chomping at the bit of happiness, he was thrown to the ground by a debilitating illness he would wrestle with for the rest of his life.

It seems that when he was in the fourth grade a freak swinging accident sent him on the road towards danger. This long, treacherous road began at recess one midday. William, whose gifts had always made him the target of jealousy from the other children, received a challenge. A challenge that would come back to haunt him.

A young student, whose name has been withheld for his own protection, came up to will one fateful Tuesday around noon. What he told Will has been compounded from the testimonies of several who were there. It seems he said, "I bet I can jump further off a swing than you can, sissy." Will's pride and reputation on the line, he accepted the challenge. The other boy drew first and pumped high into the air. When he released and landed it was marked by all around to quote,"be, like, fifty or sixty feet." As another student stood to mark the place, Will took position atop the swing. A deep breathe preceded his ascent, higher than any fourth grader had ever lofted a swing before, William let go.

When Will awoke in the hospital, he was groggy and his memory was unclear. The events that transpired have mostly been pieced together from the memory of witnesses. Will tells the story here in a 1990 interview.

"It seems after I released from the swing I flew pretty far. Some kids say a hundred feet easy. Anyway, when I hit the ground people say it was like a cabbage patch kid thrown the air. I smiled at the irony."

Will had broken every bone in his body including the smallest human bones located in the inner ear, the hammer, anvil and the stirrup. It was thought he would never recover, but with extensive surgeries, years of physical therapy and determination, he learned to walk again. It was during this period that Will set off on the road towards addiction. He was prescribed a dosage of morphine to help him deal with his immense pain.

As the years went by, Will made progress, and his doctor slowly reduced the medication. But Will did not fare well mentally. His resolve finally broken down one night, he began walking the streets of Loveland, the Sweetheart of Ohio, in search of something that could satiate his hunger. Will found it when he finally reached Vine Street a journey of some twenty miles done all on foot. There Will discovered heroin after being taken in by a local prostitute. Here the prostitute tells her first impression.

"Well I seen this little boy walking by the side of the road, I's like, 'What the fuck is this little boy doin' walkin' roun' here at this time of the evenin'?' Then I looked at little closer and I's like, 'damn that little B is hot!' So I goes up to him and he's like, 'please you got any morphine?' I was taken aback but he was so cute. I had to help him so I took him to my pimp's house and got him the next best thing, H."

And thus began Will's addiction. A dance with death that he would take into high school.

Will spent the next few days with the prostitute, whose name was Butterfly Daniels, shooting up, trading stories of black market excess with Butterfly's pimp, and taking on all comers in a John Elway Football for the NES tournament, known as PimpBowl IV. Days later when he finally emerged he was gaunt, tired and strung out. He had not eaten for the duration of his stay, and so he set out for home with a few grams of heroin, his prize as victor of PimpBowl.

When Will returned, his parents, who had been worried sick about him, called the police to notify them that he was okay, and promptly grounded him for the next month. Luckily for Will the friends he had made during his trip kept him secretly supplied with heroin during his incarceration.

Will kept his addiction secret for the next seven years. His junior year at St. Xavier Jesuit College Preparatory School proved to his most trying, but also his most redeeming. In March of 1998, with the lies compounding and the addiction growing stronger and stronger by the second, Will broke down. Will's mother recounts the story:

"Well frankly there are only so many church services one can go to, and his father and I were pretty sure midnight mass didn't happen on Wednesdays in February, so we arranged an intervention. He didn't take it well to begin with, but we held him down and put the straitjacket on him and pretty soon he calmed down."

Will spent the next five months at Betty Ford, getting clean and trading stories with rock stars including Ozzy Osborne. Here, Osborne recalls they're meeting.

"W-w-w-w-w-wa-well I w-was j-just sittin' th-th-there on the porch. Having a fuckin Ciga-cigarette, you know? And this this the-this fuckin guy came up to me and I was like "what the fuck" but then I ss-ss-saw who it was! Will fuckin McCarty! The cabbage patch kid tycoon. I bought my d-daughter one of his dolls back in fu-fuckin 1984!"

The two became fast friends and soon were inseparable. They ran, they skipped, they took meals together, they were like the Bosom Buddies(Will of course being Tom Hanks). When Ozzy left a month before Will's time was up the goodbye was tearful, and heartfelt.

When Will returned he felt refreshed and re-energized. Ready to face the world, Will returned to school and threw himself headlong into his classes. His senior year now, he met a red haired slacker named Neil. Neil, like Ozzy before him, quickly became good friends with William. Will's life now out of the fast lane, he could take the time to enjoy the finer things in life, like watching TV on Neil's couch, Ween and Pink Floyd. But it would soon become evident this was only the calm before the storm.

Will loved his new life. He went to school, he didn't do any work, he lived the easy life. At 17 it seemed he had it made, and it seemed that life could only go uphill from here and in many ways it only could. Will lived the rest of his time in Cincinnati unfettered by his troubles, but as even the most naive kittens know, monsters once they have been unleashed only stay in the closet for so long, before their hunger boils over.

William Graduated with honors from St. Xavier High School in Cincinnati(Note not Purcell or Finneytown) with honors and graciously accepted his diploma. He went on to College with a gleam in his eye and the past behind him.

Both Will and Neil did well in their respective areas of study but soon after conquering everything there was to know, they turned their gaze elsewhere, to the world of pretentious experimental noise rock. Christening themselves Los Habañeros, El Burrito (Will) and King Habañero took to the road going through the arduous process of building a fanbase. Their straight-forward style and cocky interviewing personalities, quickly gained them a devoted cult following, but this was not enough for el Burrito or King Habañero, they wanted worldwide pop stardom. They ditched their small management company, for Fremantle Media, the company that produces American Idol. Idols they were not, but in your face rock superstars they certainly were. El Burrito and King Habañero, soon began their guerrilla style interviewing tactics all over the media. Many saw King Habañero's inability to understand English when spoken to him as a roadblock, but luckily enough El Burrito did speak a language the King could more than understand and as long as the partnership lasted could act as facilitator and translator.

The two after a series of interviews humiliating and frustrating the likes of Carson Daly, Larry King, and Dan Rather. Fremantle, concerned that the buying public would not like to see their idols humiliated on national TV, was relieved, when Los Habañeros major label debut, Let's Fucking Kick Everybody in the Balls with this One, Martha, sold 5 million copies on its first day of release, shattering every record that was ever or will ever be made. Los Habañeros refused to release a single or preform any of the songs from the album, saying they were "impossible to recreate outside of the studio" and instead toured entirely on unreleased material. Their ad-libbed energetic sets were only further intensified by their refusal to only play roller rinks, bowling alleys, and bars with a capacity of less than 300 people. But trouble was brewing backstage. Trouble that would take both performers to the edge of sanity.

The road was a harsh, harsh mistress for El and the King. Will's resolve could only take him so far and when his network of support anchored by Neil succumbed to the dark and dangerous world of opiates, it was all Will could do to resist his friend's insistence that the habit would not overtake them. Like most drug addicts, Neil insisted upon his friend's involvement in his misery. But sooner or later Will knew he would not be able to stave off his addiction, surrounded constantly by groupies, drugs and alcohol, Will finally collapsed under the mounting pressure of the tour, his friendship, and his nagging desire.

Will was clearly on riding a one-way ticket to nowhere when he started using again. With both members of Los Habañeros using drugs more and more heavily, the tour soon deteriorated and lost hold. Both men, badly shaken by their experience, decided to go their separate ways receding into the dark worlds of heroin and cocaine addiction.

After two years of silence, rumors began arising that the pair were working together once again. The murmurs quickly swelled into an all out cacophony of speculation. MTV did a three hour restrospective documenting the making and impact of Let's Fucking Kick Everybody in the Balls with this One, Martha. It included interviews with everyone from all the past and present members of Pink Floyd, U2, Tom Waits, Geddy Lee, Snoop Dogg, Roger Daltry, Lou Reed, and P. Diddy. Specultion ran rampant, and after just a few weeks had reached fever itch. Rioting occurred and Los Habañeros were forced for the safety of all involved, to release a statement.

"Los Habañeros are indeed working together again. Their new work will take everyone on a radically unexpected ride towards the unknown."

The cryptic statement did little to satiate the hunger of their rabid fans, which had grown in size to encompass half the globe. Little by little pictures have been released over the internet at various sites. Some on E-bay, others through fansites. The album has slowly taken shape over the past year, and finally, Los Habañeros, have set a release date for their new project. On July, 4 2007, Los Habañeros will release their long awaited sophomore effort, Sinyor, Tales of Redneck Power(Stars and Bars Edition).

Will's life represents one of th most tumultuous journeys ever undertaken. From the heights of power, to the depths of addiction, Will's story, proves if anything, the will to survive triumph's over all adversity.

"Its Just Will f-fucking McCarty, Lads" -Ozzy.